Whenever I fly from Seattle to Portland, the flight path takes us near Mt. St. Helens. Being from Washington, I remember when she blew her top in May 1980.  I’m amazed how much the dome has grown to replace to former top.  It’s conceivable in my lifetime to see Mt. St. Helens whole as she was before. OK, maybe not, but it’s gonna be close.

Conflict should be dealt with while issues are small and the emotions haven’t grown to the explosive power of a full blown eruption. Conflict inappropriately dealt with leads to affronting not confronting.  Once that occurs, the damage takes years to recover if it ever does.

The establishment and enforcement of proper boundaries is our responsibility. Respecting another’s boundaries is our responsibility as well. When enforce our boundaries it may require us to have difficult conversations, but having those conversations prevents the pressure underneath the surface from building.

So what prevents us from having these conversations?  We convince ourselves that the other person should know better.  Whether it’s someone we are dating or a co-worker we think if that person is paying attention they’ll figure it out. Don’t assume they do.  We don’t know what the other person is thinking or perceiving.  Engage the other person in dialogue and suspend judgement as they  explain how they perceive their behavior.

Another reason we don’t confront the issue is we hope it just goes away.  I have never had it just go away without walking away completely from the relationship. Depending upon the situation that may be the proper solution.  But by the 80 – 20 rule, 80% of the relationships we are engaged in are salvageable.  Part of maintaining any relationship is to deal with issues.  People do change, but there is usually a catalyst to that change.

Every time our peace is disturbed by another’s behavior or actions, there is an opportunity to learn about ourselves and the other person. This is why confrontation is a necessary part of life. Don’t walk away from these opportunities.

 See Part 1: Lost Opportunity

“Conflict”  is an ugly word to most people.  There are 4 common views about conflict:

1. it’s inevitable and hopeless, therefore avoid it
2. it’s dangerous and frightening, therefore escape it
3. it’s a simple of issue of right over wrong, therefore fix it
4. it calls for constant compromise, therefore suppress it or force a resolution

I don’t like conflict any more than the next person. But I do think conflict is part of life, and I think conflict is an opportunity not only for a joint resolution but an opportunity to learn. Conflict, at times, needs to be intentional.  It’s too easy to say ‘it’s none of my business’ and ignore injustice or poor behavior of a co-worker that is causing problems around us.

I’ve been asked throughout my career why I’m so direct?If you had a close friend or co-worker you saw standing on the ledge of a building about to jump, you would do everything to intervene and talk them off the ledge.  People have behaviors and attitudes that cause career suicide or relationship suicide.  How many relationships die due to unspoken thoughts and assumptions? What stops you from intervening?

This is the lost opportunity: in every confrontation there is an opportunity for growth, to learn and to deepen the relationships for all involved. I consider sitting silent while poor performance, bad attitudes or unresolved conflict are allowed to continue like watching another person commit suicide and benefiting from it. Benefiting in that I remain comfortable by not confronting it.   It feels inherently wrong but definitely is rooted in selfishness to sit silent.

Be willing to confront and embrace conflict.  Deal with situations immediately but use wisdom in timing. Once you step out and have fierce conversations you will get better at having them.  Here are some tips to making sure you have the right attitude while confronting:

Remember you are a difficult person to deal with by somebody

We love to believe our own hype, but truth is not everyone likes you.  Don’t let yourself be self-decieve into thinking otherwise. Stay sober minded about how you may be perceived and received by others.

Don’t assume intention

We judge ourselves by our intentions and we judge others by their actions.  You don’t know anyone’s intention, no matter what evidence you think you have.  Go into conflict willing to learn what their intention is.  This is the best way to start the conversation  ”This is what you did and how I took it, was this your intention?”

Be willing to change

We all have unconscious biases that affect how we perceive the world.  Be willing to see when one of yours is skewing reality. It doesn’t mean the other person is 100% off the  hook for their behavior.  This is the point where joint resolution is possible because understanding of each other’s perspective is reached.

Resource: “Caring Enough to Confront” by David Augsburger.

Leaders of the 21^st century cannot allow themselves to fall for the great deception of familiarity for  intimacy.  Familiarity today is one-way.  Fans of LeBron James are familiar with him but do not know him.  He would not recognize them if he saw them out in public.

Intimacy is two-way. Someone in relationship with LeBron James would know is likes and dislikes, his moods and how he thinks.  They would know the different facets of him, not just his stats on the court.

Do you have fans or do you have relationships?